Monday, October 17, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
I'm also stressed out of my fucking mind! I have to live with my ex-best friend because I have no electricity or gas at my house because my mom can't afford to pay for it. So seeing as my mom is good friends with my ex-best friend's mom we (me mom and brother) are living here, for the past month! Lately Ashley (ex-best friend) is treating me like garbage. Like we used to be really close until she became best friends with this girl i really don't like. now if i say hi to her in the hallway at school, it's like i don't even exist! She sees me waving, she knows i say hi and all she does is turn to Paula (the girl i don't like) and talks to her. She's just being so mean, and calling me fat and stupid behind my back! I really feel like shit.
Then I have to go to EMT school on Tuesday and Thursday nights and that is making me study like crazy, and i have no time for anything else because I have to do well in school because I'm a junior and I want to get into NYU and i really need to do well. But I somehow have time to shove my fat face with food!
Oh, and i got taken out of gym class because my blood sugar is always low in the morning and I can't do it (I'm diabetic) so now i can barely exercise!
Now there's even more shit going on with my dad. I got a voicemail from him a few weeks ago and it was the audio of him beating up my 6 year old sister who I love to death. I played it for my therapist and she called CPS and now he knows I caused him to get into trouble and he's making my life a living hell. this is just sucking so much!
All i want is a perfect body so maybe something in my fucked up life would be ok, but noooooo! this SUCKS!!!!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Yesterday I had:
Orange juice- 2 glasses (248 cals)
cucumber salad- 5 cals
eggs 2- 199 cals
Total: 452 cals
burned off 256 from walking
consumed calories: 196!
Today's goal is 500 cals. so far- none!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
She kept saying that i need to gain weight and i need to eat more. i was so annoyed she told me that i was to eat right now, in front of her. I said there's nothing in the house to eat. She was saying 'you have no crackers, yogurt, nothing to eat?' and i said 'yes' then my mom came home. She talked to her and she said 'no there is stuff in the house' and i got busted. They made me have cherries. the put some in a bowl but i only had about 4 or 5. Then i had some water and juice. I was pissed off that they were telling me to eat. I tried saying i was a picky eater, and then that i feel full all the time. They didn't believe that. then i said that the meds i take (for seizures, depression, and head aches) was making me loose my appetite. They want me to change my to make me hungry. I don't care! I would just say i take the meds to make them shut up. meds were an excuse for now... i just hate eating, They basically said i was anorexic and i need help and i need to eat. then my mom asked me to think about what i want to eat and she hasn't asked me since. I lied to them and said i had that i had an uncrustable for lunch, when i had nothing. (I was quite proud of my self (:) It was great! I'm basically going to be force fed, and i HATE that. looks like Mia is going to be my best friend for a while
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Yesterday my best friend had a BBQ at her house and i of course went. And guess what SO MUCH FOOD!!!!! And i was stupid and gave in...
It just started with a pickle... Then i had to go and have a seizure and then my mom shoved food down my throat, and that was the end of me!
I ate. and i ate A LOT!!!!
That is why today May 31, 2011 marks the first official day of my juice/water fast! All i will ingest is water and juice. Either apple or berry. No acidic juices because that will fuck me up BIG time.
On the other hand I'm going to start another book. I plan to call it loosing control. I still need to finish my 'She Loves You' Beatles story. I JUST finished my Beatles Fairy Tale one and i need to put it up on Quibblo soon. I might go to the library after school (great excuse to walk :D) and post it then. I need to stay away from home as much as possible because i don't really have a trigger TIME, i have a trigger PLACE.
And it just happens to be home. Its because i can eat like a pig and it would be in the privacy of my own home. At least at school and other places i can feel guilty
Saturday, May 28, 2011
I'm going to camp in August and it's diabetes camp and they basically make you eat. I don't know what I'll do. I have to learn Ana tricks by heat because i can't risk someone reading my Rexy Bible while I'm there. And if i eat I can't MIa because someone has to go to the bathroom with you and it would be obvious that i would be throwing up because there aren't many people in there during activities. We shower very little there and it would be too late to Mia. Hopefully they don't find out. I have more will power when people are around and i will be there for 2 weeks so i will not be eating a lot for 2 weeks. Even though the camp food is REALLY good i have to resist. I don't know what I'll do for breakfast. There is a salad bar during lunch and dinner so i can have that then and i will just pick at it. Also there is a lot of meat served so since I'm veggie i can get out of eating most of the food. Also I'm going on the hike and rafting trip so that will burn a lot of cals. I will eat as little as possible. I may bring my rexy bible but i HAVE to hide it. I hope that no one will find it.
Then when i get back i will hopefully have a more will power because i have been a good Ana for 2 weeks and i can be so skinny. When i come home from camp I usually am really fat but i intend to be skinny. We also go swimming everyday. That will burn cals. We do a lot of sports so that will burn cals. Then sometimes we have a choice of arts and crafts and some sports and i MUST choose sports. if i wanna loose weight i have to make sacrifices!!!! I want to be perfect. I don't care if it hurts. I want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul. Skinny girls are beautiful. There is this fancy dinner at the end of camp and a dance afterwards and you can bring a 'special friend' AKA a date and maybe this year i will have a date!
The guy who i think likes me did something AMAZING in Friday. He saw me in the hallway and it was from behind. He tapped me on the shoulder and i turned around and he kissed my cheek!!! :) I was SOOOO happy! I'm glad that someone likes me and now i have more of a reason to be thin. If i want this guy to keep liking me i have to be perfect. I hate being so FAT!!!! I may have lost some stomach chub but there is still some and i need to get rid of it!!!!
I hope i can loose a lot and get rid of it all!!!!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I have decided to make an alter ego for my Ana blog. A girl with will power and is skinny and beautiful. She looks like Pattie Boyd (A model from the 60s. My favourite thinspo) and she's perfect. Her name is now Madeline
Brownie (EEK I'M SO FAT!!!!!) 200
400 FUCKING CALS!!!!!!
Total: 229 CALS!!!! FUCK!!!!
Crackers- 200 (MIA)
Total so far: 260
I went home sick yesterday during school. I've had this monster head ache for 3 weeks now! It's put my appetite off a little bit. I slept for a while so i didn't eat then. I woke up a few hours later and my friend invited my family over for dinner (My thoughts: FUCK!) My friend's mom notoriously makes A LOT of food for dinner. She made: Tortillini with pesto, home made pizza, grilled chicken, chicken parm, carrots with brown sugar, italian bread, then plain veggies. I said i didn't feel good so i didn't want a lot of food. I took about 1/2 a hand full of black olives, 4 or 5 carrots and about 5 cherry tomatoes. Then my friend's mom throws some bread and pizza on my plate!!!! I said it was too much on my stomach. Then came desert...
There was: Angel food cake, brownies, strawberries with sugar, ice cream, whipped cream, cherries, and sprinkles for the ice cream. At first i said no to it because i still felt sick. Then i was stupid and snuck a brownie!!!!!! I felt so gross!!!!! My friend (Ashley) said she's on a diet now and she is cal counting. She said she has 2000 cals a DAY! A DAY!!!!!!!!! It's gross! I don't know how she does it!
I decided i'm not eating anymore today. I've made Mia a punishment if i eat. I hate throwing up but it's nessacary if i eat like a pig.
I've lost about 2 pounds now I'm down to 113. My stomach is about 27.5-28 inches around. I need to loose more!!!!!
Other than Ana, I've been sick :( I've had this monster head ache and i've been always tired. But i have a job on Saturday and I'm face painting at a birthday party. Ashley is coming and she's bringing her friend David with her. Ashley is going to be taking pictures at the party, and i got her the job doing it. I'm like her job pimp. It's supposed to be me and her doing these jobs, not anyone else! So she drags David along with her (I'm not friends with David but it's not like i don't like him) and now she's going to be talking to him the whole time and I'll wind up looking like a loser with no one to talk to again!!! Ugh i really don't like Ashley treating me like this!!!
Well on the upside there is this guy in my school (I don't know his name yet! XP) but he says hi to me all the time and tells me I'm pretty and he hugged me the other day :) He said 'I like you so much! You're so pretty!" I'm so happy he said that but i've never really talked to him! Next time i see him I'll try to talk to him! Maybe having him around me will make me want to lose weight and turn me off of food. the best
part was that when he hugged me he lifted me up a little bit :) Oh my god! I'm SOOO EXCITED :D!!!
I really like him :) Having someone who likes me is great! <3 I can't stop smiling when i think about him but i don't when i look at how FAT I am! Well wish me Luck this week!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Well there's someone at my school who likes me :) I need to be thin if he's going to keep on liking me. By the end of the week i want to drop down to at least 108. I also have a new plan. I want will fast during the week and eat a max of 500 cals during the weekend. I need to find more distractions to keep me from eating like a cow.
My brother said i looked like a cow the other day and that day i purged like crazy, stopped eating and took a lax. God damn me! I hate this, i have stopped eating lunch, no breakfast, and small dinner. all i drink is tea, water, and low cal juice.
So far i have been working on picture blogs for each Beatle and i need to know more about them. that will keep me busy for a while.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
You Really Got A Hold On Me (Ana is now my life)
Sexy Sadie (I want to BE sexy sadie)
Not A Second Time (Not a second time for me to eat)
Misery(a lyric is 'without her I will be in misery. I would be in misery without Ana)
It Won't Be Long (If i stay with Ana it won't be long 'til I'm thin)
If I Needed Someone (This is in reference to Mia. If I need to purge i would go to Mia)
I'm A Loser (I am because I'm fat)
I'll Cry Instead (I would cry if I couldn't Ana)
I Will (I will always be Ana)
Help! (I need Ana's Help!)
A Hard Day's Night (I have a hard day's night if I eat. I'm guilty and can't sleep)
Got To Get You Into My Life (I want Ana in my life)
Eight Days A Week (Ana is with me eight days a week)
Don't Let Me Down (Ana speaking, telling me not to let her down)
She's Got The Devil In Her Heart (Ana will be mean to me if I eat)
Chains (Ana has me in chains to make me remember I can't eat)
Ana (Obvious much?)
From movie Pixel Perfect
But I'm me
I wanna be flawless,
But you see
Every little crack
Every little mistake,
I wanna be perfect
Just like you,
But there's only so much that a girl can do
When I look in the mirror,
It makes sense to me,
1 bowl Special K
1/8 of fat free muffin (MIA)
Water with crystal light
run in gym
walked to and from library
I went to school and 4th period had gym so i walked (i would have ran but i have a bad blister on my ankle and i can't wear shoes with backs. Then came home, did jumping jacks, and crunches. then i walked to the library and spent about an hour there. then walked back. yesterday in total i burned 427 cals. I think i'm gonna drop ABC and just do 500 cal a day diet and fasting if I can. I've been doing better because of Ana buddies. I keep on trying! Wish me luck!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I found these on another blog and i think it will help when you have a craving or you are doubting pro-ana I think it will help me and anyone else who is pro-ana or pro-mia
So you are craving food right now, huh?
What do you think you are doing?
Don't you dare go anywhere near food!
Don't touch it; don't even think about it
What do you want to do, become a fat cow?
I am your best friend, and if you eat, you are failing me and letting me down.
If you eat right it shows what little self-control you have.
That pain in your stomach right now, that is me, and that is your fat melting away.
When you feel empty, it means you are empty of your sins.
Summer is coming up. You want to be able to walk around in booty shorts and a bikini top, don't you?
You want to walk around in a bikini with your flat, firm little stomach and your toned little thighs.
You want to be able to run your hand over your stomach and feel your ribs.
You want to go to the mall and see that skimpy outfit and know you would look damn good in it.
You made a commitment to me. I am your life and obsession. Don't break what we have.
I will give you everything you want, but you have to give me what I want. And I want you to stay away from food.
Go have some water. Go drink some tea or coffee.
Or better yet - go to the gym, fatty!
Don't show me what little self-control you have.
Don't defy me.
You know that if you go eat right now, you will end up on your knees puking it all up until you see blood and water and your stomach is aching.
You will regret eating as soon as those calories and that fat slip past your tonsils and down into your body to add to that extra roll on your stomach.
You are going to get cellulite.
You are going to look like the typical fat soccer mom.
I can give you so much - I can give you a great body.
Show me your control and I will show you a flat stomach.
Show me you love me and can keep me a secret and stay away from food and I'll give you those shaped little thighs.
Show me you can run until you drop and I will give you a cute ass.
You love me.
If you eat now and throw away what you are working for, I will hate you. And you will hate yourself.
You have a meal plan; you have goals and dreams.
Don't throw that all away now. Don't give up what you really want for something you want now.
Don't eat fatty.
You are still no supermodel like Kate Moss.
Don't fail me.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
1. Drink a lot of water (this keeps you full on less)
2. Chew sugar free gum so you can feel like you're eating when your not (fruit and the desert ones work best)
3. Drink Tea and Coffee but NOTHING in it (makes your body feel full and caffeine curbs your appetite)
4. Cut your food in small pieces, so it looks like more so you will stop after only half of it
5. take a bite of food (if you NEED to eat) then put your fork down and take a sip of water
6. If you have a really bad craving for something chew it but then spit it out and rise thoroughly with water (DO NOT swallow any of it!)
7. Pick safe (under 100 calories) and negative calorie foods
8. Do not eat something unless you know the EXACT number of calories
9. Keep a diary (Rexy Bible) to track your progress. I have divided mine into 5 parts. Tips, Foods to eat if necessary, thinspiration, goals, and my progress/ food+exercise diary
10. Exercise 15 minuets before eating
11. Buy jeans 1 size too small to be a goal to fit into
12. Diet pills are good (but use them appropriately)
13. No soda! Unless diet
14. Eat on a dark colored plate (Black, Blue, Navy) this will make you feel full fast
15. make a list of foods NOT to eat
16. Pick 1 safe food a day to eat
17. Find the fat you want to get rid of and pinch it
18. Wear a rubber band/ hair tie on your wrist (red- Ana purple- Mia) and snap it when you think of food.
19. Eat with the hand you DON'T write with. It will feel awkward and you'll stop eating
20. Put vinegar or a lot of salt on your food so when you eat it, it will be less pleasing and you'll throw it away
21. When you can eat in front of a mirror so you'll feel bad and stop eating
22. Try to stay away from dinner
23. If you can, throw away all the bad food in your house
24. Try to take vitamins so you don't lose the vitamins in the food you gave up
25. No more than 1,000 calories a day (the less the better)
26. After eating do 20 jumping jacks or crunches or push ups
27. Peppermint makes you feel full so chew peppermint gum or suck on the hard candies
28. suck on hard, sugar free, low fat candies if you have a craving
29. Don't slouch it will burn more fat if you sit up straight
30. Dress in layers. This will make you sweat and get rid of some fat
31. Sleep more. If you sleep you won't be tempted to eat
32. Do 50 sit ups each morning before school/work
33. Confuse your body temperature. If you are in a room that is usually cold, take off your jacket to stay cold, if you're in a room that's normally hot put a jacket on. This will make your body confused and use more energy.
34. When you want food put 3 drops of vinegar on your tongue
35. Stand when ever possible
36. Always keep your hands and feet moving. Every calorie counts
37. No liquid calories
38. If you have a bad craving count to 100 and think of what will happen if you eat
39. DO NOT eat past 7 PM or 4 hours before going to sleep
40. Anti-Heart Burn Medication helps curb your appetite
41. NO SNACKING!
42. If you're a smoker go on and have on because smoking lowers your appetite
43. Ween yourself off food. Slowly you'll go from 3 meals and a few snacks a day to a snack a day