Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Food Friends and Family Can Go Fuck Themselves Up A Tree!!!!!!
My friend pissed me off so much! Check out my other blog (a day in the life) for the story. and she says i dont eat enough. my mom says i dont eat enough. the school nurse says i dont eat enough and they're all making me eat! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!
Summer Is A Devil Bitch!
Well as we all know yesterday was memorial day, which marks the unofficial first day of summer. And what happens during summer? BBQs, swimming, and of course all the gross food that goes along with it!
Yesterday my best friend had a BBQ at her house and i of course went. And guess what SO MUCH FOOD!!!!! And i was stupid and gave in...
It just started with a pickle... Then i had to go and have a seizure and then my mom shoved food down my throat, and that was the end of me!
I ate. and i ate A LOT!!!!
That is why today May 31, 2011 marks the first official day of my juice/water fast! All i will ingest is water and juice. Either apple or berry. No acidic juices because that will fuck me up BIG time.
On the other hand I'm going to start another book. I plan to call it loosing control. I still need to finish my 'She Loves You' Beatles story. I JUST finished my Beatles Fairy Tale one and i need to put it up on Quibblo soon. I might go to the library after school (great excuse to walk :D) and post it then. I need to stay away from home as much as possible because i don't really have a trigger TIME, i have a trigger PLACE.
And it just happens to be home. Its because i can eat like a pig and it would be in the privacy of my own home. At least at school and other places i can feel guilty
Yesterday my best friend had a BBQ at her house and i of course went. And guess what SO MUCH FOOD!!!!! And i was stupid and gave in...
It just started with a pickle... Then i had to go and have a seizure and then my mom shoved food down my throat, and that was the end of me!
I ate. and i ate A LOT!!!!
That is why today May 31, 2011 marks the first official day of my juice/water fast! All i will ingest is water and juice. Either apple or berry. No acidic juices because that will fuck me up BIG time.
On the other hand I'm going to start another book. I plan to call it loosing control. I still need to finish my 'She Loves You' Beatles story. I JUST finished my Beatles Fairy Tale one and i need to put it up on Quibblo soon. I might go to the library after school (great excuse to walk :D) and post it then. I need to stay away from home as much as possible because i don't really have a trigger TIME, i have a trigger PLACE.
And it just happens to be home. Its because i can eat like a pig and it would be in the privacy of my own home. At least at school and other places i can feel guilty
Saturday, May 28, 2011
FUCK ME!!!!
I'm so stupid! My grandma decided to take me out to lunch today but i got a spinach salad so i had no calories then. I gave into hunger though... When i got home, my mom went out and i was home alone. I had some microwave mac n' cheese (260 cals) and a fruit grain bar (100 cals). 360 CALS!!!!! But i cleaned my room, ran a little, danced, and walked and i burned 175 cals. Then i had to go to a party and there was SO MUCH FOOD! I had a little mac 'n cheese and about 1 fork full of rice. I threw it out and then i Mia-ed it so i got rid of those calories. I had water, and then i had NO cake or ice cream even though my mom and friend were pushing it on me. I weighed my self after i Mia-ed and i am 110 lbs. I went from 116 to 110. My mom, grandparents, friends, and school nurse say i've lost weight but its obvious I'm still a huge fat ass!!! I mean my stomach is is getting flatter but my ass and thighs are so fucking big!!! I hate it. We're running the mile next week in school and i am so excited to run off cals and then i won't have any lunch. I never eat breakfast, and MAYBE a little dinner or a snack when i get home. I plan to exercise a lot and if i eat I will Mia. I now use Mia as a punishment now and it is rather effective. I stay away from food because i hate throwing up!!! It's nasty but it gets rid of fat and cals. It's so gross that i eat so much!!! My friends and family keep saying i need to more and I'm getting too thin. They ask me if i'm trying to loose weight and i keep say it's just happening. They actually buy it!!! It's going good so far and i hope they won't notice when i actually loose a lot of weight.
I'm going to camp in August and it's diabetes camp and they basically make you eat. I don't know what I'll do. I have to learn Ana tricks by heat because i can't risk someone reading my Rexy Bible while I'm there. And if i eat I can't MIa because someone has to go to the bathroom with you and it would be obvious that i would be throwing up because there aren't many people in there during activities. We shower very little there and it would be too late to Mia. Hopefully they don't find out. I have more will power when people are around and i will be there for 2 weeks so i will not be eating a lot for 2 weeks. Even though the camp food is REALLY good i have to resist. I don't know what I'll do for breakfast. There is a salad bar during lunch and dinner so i can have that then and i will just pick at it. Also there is a lot of meat served so since I'm veggie i can get out of eating most of the food. Also I'm going on the hike and rafting trip so that will burn a lot of cals. I will eat as little as possible. I may bring my rexy bible but i HAVE to hide it. I hope that no one will find it.
Then when i get back i will hopefully have a more will power because i have been a good Ana for 2 weeks and i can be so skinny. When i come home from camp I usually am really fat but i intend to be skinny. We also go swimming everyday. That will burn cals. We do a lot of sports so that will burn cals. Then sometimes we have a choice of arts and crafts and some sports and i MUST choose sports. if i wanna loose weight i have to make sacrifices!!!! I want to be perfect. I don't care if it hurts. I want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul. Skinny girls are beautiful. There is this fancy dinner at the end of camp and a dance afterwards and you can bring a 'special friend' AKA a date and maybe this year i will have a date!
The guy who i think likes me did something AMAZING in Friday. He saw me in the hallway and it was from behind. He tapped me on the shoulder and i turned around and he kissed my cheek!!! :) I was SOOOO happy! I'm glad that someone likes me and now i have more of a reason to be thin. If i want this guy to keep liking me i have to be perfect. I hate being so FAT!!!! I may have lost some stomach chub but there is still some and i need to get rid of it!!!!
I hope i can loose a lot and get rid of it all!!!!
I'm going to camp in August and it's diabetes camp and they basically make you eat. I don't know what I'll do. I have to learn Ana tricks by heat because i can't risk someone reading my Rexy Bible while I'm there. And if i eat I can't MIa because someone has to go to the bathroom with you and it would be obvious that i would be throwing up because there aren't many people in there during activities. We shower very little there and it would be too late to Mia. Hopefully they don't find out. I have more will power when people are around and i will be there for 2 weeks so i will not be eating a lot for 2 weeks. Even though the camp food is REALLY good i have to resist. I don't know what I'll do for breakfast. There is a salad bar during lunch and dinner so i can have that then and i will just pick at it. Also there is a lot of meat served so since I'm veggie i can get out of eating most of the food. Also I'm going on the hike and rafting trip so that will burn a lot of cals. I will eat as little as possible. I may bring my rexy bible but i HAVE to hide it. I hope that no one will find it.
Then when i get back i will hopefully have a more will power because i have been a good Ana for 2 weeks and i can be so skinny. When i come home from camp I usually am really fat but i intend to be skinny. We also go swimming everyday. That will burn cals. We do a lot of sports so that will burn cals. Then sometimes we have a choice of arts and crafts and some sports and i MUST choose sports. if i wanna loose weight i have to make sacrifices!!!! I want to be perfect. I don't care if it hurts. I want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul. Skinny girls are beautiful. There is this fancy dinner at the end of camp and a dance afterwards and you can bring a 'special friend' AKA a date and maybe this year i will have a date!
The guy who i think likes me did something AMAZING in Friday. He saw me in the hallway and it was from behind. He tapped me on the shoulder and i turned around and he kissed my cheek!!! :) I was SOOOO happy! I'm glad that someone likes me and now i have more of a reason to be thin. If i want this guy to keep liking me i have to be perfect. I hate being so FAT!!!! I may have lost some stomach chub but there is still some and i need to get rid of it!!!!
I hope i can loose a lot and get rid of it all!!!!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!
I keep eating! Mother fucker!!!!!!
I have decided to make an alter ego for my Ana blog. A girl with will power and is skinny and beautiful. She looks like Pattie Boyd (A model from the 60s. My favourite thinspo) and she's perfect. Her name is now Madeline
Yesterday:
food-
Crackers- 200
Veggies- 0
Brownie (EEK I'M SO FAT!!!!!) 200
400 FUCKING CALS!!!!!!
Exercise-
Walking- 171
Total: 229 CALS!!!! FUCK!!!!
Today:
Food:
Peanuts- 260
Crackers- 200 (MIA)
Total so far: 260
I went home sick yesterday during school. I've had this monster head ache for 3 weeks now! It's put my appetite off a little bit. I slept for a while so i didn't eat then. I woke up a few hours later and my friend invited my family over for dinner (My thoughts: FUCK!) My friend's mom notoriously makes A LOT of food for dinner. She made: Tortillini with pesto, home made pizza, grilled chicken, chicken parm, carrots with brown sugar, italian bread, then plain veggies. I said i didn't feel good so i didn't want a lot of food. I took about 1/2 a hand full of black olives, 4 or 5 carrots and about 5 cherry tomatoes. Then my friend's mom throws some bread and pizza on my plate!!!! I said it was too much on my stomach. Then came desert...
There was: Angel food cake, brownies, strawberries with sugar, ice cream, whipped cream, cherries, and sprinkles for the ice cream. At first i said no to it because i still felt sick. Then i was stupid and snuck a brownie!!!!!! I felt so gross!!!!! My friend (Ashley) said she's on a diet now and she is cal counting. She said she has 2000 cals a DAY! A DAY!!!!!!!!! It's gross! I don't know how she does it!
I decided i'm not eating anymore today. I've made Mia a punishment if i eat. I hate throwing up but it's nessacary if i eat like a pig.
I've lost about 2 pounds now I'm down to 113. My stomach is about 27.5-28 inches around. I need to loose more!!!!!
Other than Ana, I've been sick :( I've had this monster head ache and i've been always tired. But i have a job on Saturday and I'm face painting at a birthday party. Ashley is coming and she's bringing her friend David with her. Ashley is going to be taking pictures at the party, and i got her the job doing it. I'm like her job pimp. It's supposed to be me and her doing these jobs, not anyone else! So she drags David along with her (I'm not friends with David but it's not like i don't like him) and now she's going to be talking to him the whole time and I'll wind up looking like a loser with no one to talk to again!!! Ugh i really don't like Ashley treating me like this!!!
Well on the upside there is this guy in my school (I don't know his name yet! XP) but he says hi to me all the time and tells me I'm pretty and he hugged me the other day :) He said 'I like you so much! You're so pretty!" I'm so happy he said that but i've never really talked to him! Next time i see him I'll try to talk to him! Maybe having him around me will make me want to lose weight and turn me off of food. the best
part was that when he hugged me he lifted me up a little bit :) Oh my god! I'm SOOO EXCITED :D!!!
I really like him :) Having someone who likes me is great! <3 I can't stop smiling when i think about him but i don't when i look at how FAT I am! Well wish me Luck this week!
Love,
Madeline Ana
~Thinspo Pics~
I have decided to make an alter ego for my Ana blog. A girl with will power and is skinny and beautiful. She looks like Pattie Boyd (A model from the 60s. My favourite thinspo) and she's perfect. Her name is now Madeline
Yesterday:
food-
Crackers- 200
Veggies- 0
Brownie (EEK I'M SO FAT!!!!!) 200
400 FUCKING CALS!!!!!!
Exercise-
Walking- 171
Total: 229 CALS!!!! FUCK!!!!
Today:
Food:
Peanuts- 260
Crackers- 200 (MIA)
Total so far: 260
I went home sick yesterday during school. I've had this monster head ache for 3 weeks now! It's put my appetite off a little bit. I slept for a while so i didn't eat then. I woke up a few hours later and my friend invited my family over for dinner (My thoughts: FUCK!) My friend's mom notoriously makes A LOT of food for dinner. She made: Tortillini with pesto, home made pizza, grilled chicken, chicken parm, carrots with brown sugar, italian bread, then plain veggies. I said i didn't feel good so i didn't want a lot of food. I took about 1/2 a hand full of black olives, 4 or 5 carrots and about 5 cherry tomatoes. Then my friend's mom throws some bread and pizza on my plate!!!! I said it was too much on my stomach. Then came desert...
There was: Angel food cake, brownies, strawberries with sugar, ice cream, whipped cream, cherries, and sprinkles for the ice cream. At first i said no to it because i still felt sick. Then i was stupid and snuck a brownie!!!!!! I felt so gross!!!!! My friend (Ashley) said she's on a diet now and she is cal counting. She said she has 2000 cals a DAY! A DAY!!!!!!!!! It's gross! I don't know how she does it!
I decided i'm not eating anymore today. I've made Mia a punishment if i eat. I hate throwing up but it's nessacary if i eat like a pig.
I've lost about 2 pounds now I'm down to 113. My stomach is about 27.5-28 inches around. I need to loose more!!!!!
Other than Ana, I've been sick :( I've had this monster head ache and i've been always tired. But i have a job on Saturday and I'm face painting at a birthday party. Ashley is coming and she's bringing her friend David with her. Ashley is going to be taking pictures at the party, and i got her the job doing it. I'm like her job pimp. It's supposed to be me and her doing these jobs, not anyone else! So she drags David along with her (I'm not friends with David but it's not like i don't like him) and now she's going to be talking to him the whole time and I'll wind up looking like a loser with no one to talk to again!!! Ugh i really don't like Ashley treating me like this!!!
Well on the upside there is this guy in my school (I don't know his name yet! XP) but he says hi to me all the time and tells me I'm pretty and he hugged me the other day :) He said 'I like you so much! You're so pretty!" I'm so happy he said that but i've never really talked to him! Next time i see him I'll try to talk to him! Maybe having him around me will make me want to lose weight and turn me off of food. the best
part was that when he hugged me he lifted me up a little bit :) Oh my god! I'm SOOO EXCITED :D!!!
I really like him :) Having someone who likes me is great! <3 I can't stop smiling when i think about him but i don't when i look at how FAT I am! Well wish me Luck this week!
Love,
Madeline Ana
~Thinspo Pics~
This is 'Madeline' This is what i want to be!
Monday, May 23, 2011
5/23/11
I'm such a pig! I ate like crazy yesterday! I had a PB+J sandwich, toast and a bunch of food from PF Chang's! I went up to 113!!! I had nothing but gum today and i plan on nothing else today. I hope my mom doesn't make me eat. I have a head ache and my stomach hurts so that's an excuse. This shit is ridiculous!!!
Well there's someone at my school who likes me :) I need to be thin if he's going to keep on liking me. By the end of the week i want to drop down to at least 108. I also have a new plan. I want will fast during the week and eat a max of 500 cals during the weekend. I need to find more distractions to keep me from eating like a cow.
My brother said i looked like a cow the other day and that day i purged like crazy, stopped eating and took a lax. God damn me! I hate this, i have stopped eating lunch, no breakfast, and small dinner. all i drink is tea, water, and low cal juice.
So far i have been working on picture blogs for each Beatle and i need to know more about them. that will keep me busy for a while.
Well there's someone at my school who likes me :) I need to be thin if he's going to keep on liking me. By the end of the week i want to drop down to at least 108. I also have a new plan. I want will fast during the week and eat a max of 500 cals during the weekend. I need to find more distractions to keep me from eating like a cow.
My brother said i looked like a cow the other day and that day i purged like crazy, stopped eating and took a lax. God damn me! I hate this, i have stopped eating lunch, no breakfast, and small dinner. all i drink is tea, water, and low cal juice.
So far i have been working on picture blogs for each Beatle and i need to know more about them. that will keep me busy for a while.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Thinspo pic!
Lyrics from a song that makes me think of Ana and my Ana Playlist
Playlist (all by the Beatles)
You Really Got A Hold On Me (Ana is now my life)
Sexy Sadie (I want to BE sexy sadie)
Not A Second Time (Not a second time for me to eat)
Misery(a lyric is 'without her I will be in misery. I would be in misery without Ana)
It Won't Be Long (If i stay with Ana it won't be long 'til I'm thin)
If I Needed Someone (This is in reference to Mia. If I need to purge i would go to Mia)
I'm A Loser (I am because I'm fat)
I'll Cry Instead (I would cry if I couldn't Ana)
I Will (I will always be Ana)
Help! (I need Ana's Help!)
A Hard Day's Night (I have a hard day's night if I eat. I'm guilty and can't sleep)
Got To Get You Into My Life (I want Ana in my life)
Eight Days A Week (Ana is with me eight days a week)
Don't Let Me Down (Ana speaking, telling me not to let her down)
She's Got The Devil In Her Heart (Ana will be mean to me if I eat)
Chains (Ana has me in chains to make me remember I can't eat)
Ana (Obvious much?)
Lyrics:
Song: perfectly
From movie Pixel Perfect
You Really Got A Hold On Me (Ana is now my life)
Sexy Sadie (I want to BE sexy sadie)
Not A Second Time (Not a second time for me to eat)
Misery(a lyric is 'without her I will be in misery. I would be in misery without Ana)
It Won't Be Long (If i stay with Ana it won't be long 'til I'm thin)
If I Needed Someone (This is in reference to Mia. If I need to purge i would go to Mia)
I'm A Loser (I am because I'm fat)
I'll Cry Instead (I would cry if I couldn't Ana)
I Will (I will always be Ana)
Help! (I need Ana's Help!)
A Hard Day's Night (I have a hard day's night if I eat. I'm guilty and can't sleep)
Got To Get You Into My Life (I want Ana in my life)
Eight Days A Week (Ana is with me eight days a week)
Don't Let Me Down (Ana speaking, telling me not to let her down)
She's Got The Devil In Her Heart (Ana will be mean to me if I eat)
Chains (Ana has me in chains to make me remember I can't eat)
Ana (Obvious much?)
Lyrics:
Song: perfectly
From movie Pixel Perfect
I wanna be perfect,
But I'm me
I wanna be flawless,
But you see
Every little crack
Every chip,
Every dent
Every little mistake,
I wanna be perfect
Just like you,
But there's only so much that a girl can do
When I look in the mirror,
It makes sense to me,
Perfectly
Perfectly
But I'm me
I wanna be flawless,
But you see
Every little crack
Every chip,
Every dent
Every little mistake,
I wanna be perfect
Just like you,
But there's only so much that a girl can do
When I look in the mirror,
It makes sense to me,
Perfectly
Perfectly
5/2/11
Food:
Uncrustable
1 bowl Special K
1/8 of fat free muffin (MIA)
Drink:
Diet Snapple
Water with crystal light
plain water
Exercise-
run in gym
crunches
jumping jacks
walked to and from library
I went to school and 4th period had gym so i walked (i would have ran but i have a bad blister on my ankle and i can't wear shoes with backs. Then came home, did jumping jacks, and crunches. then i walked to the library and spent about an hour there. then walked back. yesterday in total i burned 427 cals. I think i'm gonna drop ABC and just do 500 cal a day diet and fasting if I can. I've been doing better because of Ana buddies. I keep on trying! Wish me luck!
Uncrustable
1 bowl Special K
1/8 of fat free muffin (MIA)
Drink:
Diet Snapple
Water with crystal light
plain water
Exercise-
run in gym
crunches
jumping jacks
walked to and from library
I went to school and 4th period had gym so i walked (i would have ran but i have a bad blister on my ankle and i can't wear shoes with backs. Then came home, did jumping jacks, and crunches. then i walked to the library and spent about an hour there. then walked back. yesterday in total i burned 427 cals. I think i'm gonna drop ABC and just do 500 cal a day diet and fasting if I can. I've been doing better because of Ana buddies. I keep on trying! Wish me luck!
Monday, May 2, 2011
5/1/11
Food:
Pizza (Mia)
Pretzels
Slim Fast Bar
Drink:
Water
Water with Crystal light
Apple Juice
Exercise:
Jumping Jacks
Crunches
Lunges
Sprints
Dancing
Cycling
Waking
I ate a lot and i felt so fat. I Mia'd the pizza and now i don't think i ever want to eat Pizza ever again! Talking to a lot of people so they're helping. i think some people's suspicions are being lowered.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Yesterday
Went on a 4 mile hike and burned about 600 cals! then no dinner. he water today, 1/3 of a muffin. might have some juice later. probably gunna exercise like fuck later. I also dropped down to 109! only 9 more pounds to go. i also got a lot off my belly. ABC is really working for me! i'm just switching cals for today and tomorrow. so 400 today and 300 tomorrow. wish me luck!
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