Friday, September 30, 2011

Tired of being fat

Ugh! I am so pissed at myself! i'm still 111! I feel so gross. I look at all my thinspo, and i want to be like them. I wish I could be more like them. I keep eating and eating like a fat pig and i can't stop! This sucks! Luckily I've found some Ana friends, and they're helping me when they can.
I'm also stressed out of my fucking mind! I have to live with my ex-best friend because I have no electricity or gas at my house because my mom can't afford to pay for it. So seeing as my mom is good friends with my ex-best friend's mom we (me mom and brother) are living here, for the past month! Lately Ashley (ex-best friend) is treating me like garbage. Like we used to be really close until she became best friends with this girl i really don't like. now if i say hi to her in the hallway at school, it's like i don't even exist! She sees me waving, she knows i say hi and all she does is turn to Paula (the girl i don't like) and talks to her. She's just being so mean, and calling me fat and stupid behind my back! I really feel like shit.
Then I have to go to EMT school on Tuesday and Thursday nights and that is making me study like crazy, and i have no time for anything else because I have to do well in school because I'm a junior and I want to get into NYU and i really need to do well. But I somehow have time to shove my fat face with food!
Oh, and i got taken out of gym class because my blood sugar is always low in the morning and I can't do it (I'm diabetic) so now i can barely exercise!
Now there's even more shit going on with my dad. I got a voicemail from him a few weeks ago and it was the audio of him beating up my 6 year old sister who I love to death. I played it for my therapist and she called CPS and now he knows I caused him to get into trouble and he's making my life a living hell. this is just sucking so much!
All i want is a perfect body so maybe something in my fucked up life would be ok, but noooooo! this SUCKS!!!!

Friday, September 23, 2011


I'm so happy! I dropped to 112.5!!!!! I weighed this morning and I got 112.5! I'm at school, and I'm supposed to be having lunch right now, but I decided to go to the library, and not eat :)
Yesterday I had:
Orange juice- 2 glasses (248 cals)
cucumber salad- 5 cals
eggs 2- 199 cals
Total: 452 cals
burned off 256 from walking
consumed calories: 196!
Today's goal is 500 cals. so far- none!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Starting All Over

I feel disgusting! I weigh 118 now! It's all because everyone knew and made me eat! Well no more. I started ABC last week, and today I'm doing 500 cals. LAst night i threw out all the food my mom bought me at the store a couple of days ago. SO when I go home there's nothing to eat, it's a half day so I can't get any lunch and I have no money to buy anything at a bake sale! I have to go to EMT class tonight, and I can't eat there. Hopefully I can reach my gw!