FUCK ME!!!!

I'm so stupid! My grandma decided to take me out to lunch today but i got a spinach salad so i had no calories then. I gave into hunger though... When i got home, my mom went out and i was home alone. I had some microwave mac n' cheese (260 cals) and a fruit grain bar (100 cals). 360 CALS!!!!! But i cleaned my room, ran a little, danced, and walked and i burned 175 cals. Then i had to go to a party and there was SO MUCH FOOD! I had a little mac 'n cheese and about 1 fork full of rice. I threw it out and then i Mia-ed it so i got rid of those calories. I had water, and then i had NO cake or ice cream even though my mom and friend were pushing it on me. I weighed my self after i Mia-ed and i am 110 lbs. I went from 116 to 110. My mom, grandparents, friends, and school nurse say i've lost weight but its obvious I'm still a huge fat ass!!! I mean my stomach is is getting flatter but my ass and thighs are so fucking big!!! I hate it. We're running the mile next week in school and i am so excited to run off cals and then i won't have any lunch. I never eat breakfast, and MAYBE a little dinner or a snack when i get home. I plan to exercise a lot and if i eat I will Mia. I now use Mia as a punishment now and it is rather effective. I stay away from food because i hate throwing up!!! It's nasty but it gets rid of fat and cals.  It's so gross that i eat so much!!! My friends and family keep saying i need to more and I'm getting too thin. They ask me if i'm trying to loose weight and i keep say it's just happening. They actually buy it!!! It's going good so far and i hope they won't notice when i actually loose a lot of weight.

   I'm going to camp in August and it's diabetes camp and they basically make you eat. I don't know what I'll do. I have to learn Ana tricks by heat because i can't risk someone reading my Rexy Bible while I'm there. And if i eat I can't MIa because someone has to go to the bathroom with you and it would be obvious that i would be throwing up because there aren't many people in there during activities. We shower very little there and it would be too late to Mia. Hopefully they don't find out. I have more will power when people are around and i will be there for 2 weeks so i will not be eating a lot for 2 weeks. Even though the camp food is REALLY good i have to resist. I don't know what I'll do for breakfast. There is a salad bar during lunch and dinner so i can have that then and i will just pick at it. Also there is a lot of meat served so since I'm veggie i can get out of eating most of the food. Also I'm going on the hike and rafting trip so that will burn a lot of cals. I will eat as little as possible. I may bring my rexy bible but i HAVE to hide it. I hope that no one will find it.

     Then when i get back i will hopefully have a more will power because i have been a good Ana for 2 weeks and i can be so skinny. When i come home from camp I usually am really fat but i intend to be skinny. We also go swimming everyday. That will burn cals. We do a lot of sports so that will burn cals. Then sometimes we have a choice of arts and crafts and some sports and i MUST choose sports. if i wanna loose weight i have to make sacrifices!!!! I want to be perfect. I don't care if it hurts. I want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul. Skinny girls are beautiful. There is this fancy dinner at the end of camp and a dance afterwards and you can bring a 'special friend' AKA a date and maybe this year i will have a date!

The guy who i think likes me did something AMAZING in Friday. He saw me in the hallway and it was from behind. He tapped me on the shoulder and i turned around and he kissed my cheek!!! :) I was SOOOO happy! I'm glad that someone likes me and now i have more of a reason to be thin. If i want this guy to keep liking me i have to be perfect. I hate being so FAT!!!! I may have lost some stomach chub but there is still some and i need to get rid of it!!!!

I hope i can loose a lot and get rid of it all!!!!